Memories of a Prince
by Always123
Summary: "He clutched Severus' robes,shaking with anger.'If you ever talk about Lily again-' hissed James as the narrowed hazel eyes glared into the black.  'She's not yours to claim' Severus spat." - A story about Snape's feelings and undying love for Lily Evans
1. The Nemesis

December 1977

Severus Snape was walking towards the castle courtyard as he absentmindedly put a finger to his thin mouth. He measured the pressures of the next few months – N.E.W.T preparation was well underway along with added demands of his membership to a particular group. He felt a wave of anxiety rush through him as he recalled the tasks that had been delegated to him but remained calm as it was unlike him to lose composure. And so, he began his way towards the Slytherin Common Room but was stopped in his tracks upon hearing a familiar voice.

Lily's voice.

'Thank you James. I had a great time.'

'Me too.' replied James.

Severus felt his heart sink.

_So…so their dating now..they probably just got back from Hogsmeade _he thought to himself bitterly_. _

For the past month he noticed – to his dismay- the amount of time the two were spending together and the 'change' in James Potter's behavior which only sickened him. He believed it was merely that ridiculous act he would put on whenever Lily Evans was around him; the suddenly mature voice and his pathetic attempts at appearing like a gentlemen. Although this 'act' seemed to have prolonged for a while now …

He watched as James glanced anxiously towards the sky, it was nearly nightfall. 'See you later, okay?' Lily raised her eyebrow quizzically. A familiar look – one she would cast Severus whenever he attempted to hide something from her, particularly something pertaining to his obsession with the Dark arts.

'Just some stuff – promised Sirius,' he added hastily. 'Look, I'll explain later, alright?' he continued and with that he held her face in his hands and gave her a swift kiss on the forehead.

An unpleasant sensation exploded in the pit of Severus's stomach as he watched from behind a pillar.

'Well.. I guess I'll see you then.' she said dismissively, however, still holding his hand. She flashed him one last feeble smile and left.

James watched as Lily walked towards the castle, running his hands through his hair as he did then turned on his heel and set off into a brisk walk.

_It was inevitable. She's always fancied Potter_. And now his fears were confirmed. He remembered the time he had tried to catch Lily off-guard over the matter and catch her off-guard he did!

'..Their not as wonderful as everyone seems to think they are!' he told Lily implicitly as he gazed into her brilliant eyes. 'Atleast they don't use dark magic!' her voice rang in his eyes.

_And the bastard just kissed her! _Severus thought furiously. He felt his insides boil with jealousy and could contain himself no longer.

"Off to tame the wolf, Potter?" he spat viciously as he jumped from behind the pillar. James spun around. Severus instinctively curled his fingers tightly around his wand in his robes.

'You!' said James with a look of deep dislike. 'Always minding everyone else's business aren't we, Snivelly? Why don't you come along? Only keep in mind _I won't be the one to save your arse this time_.'

Severus froze and glared at him, the cold winter wind causing his long hair to whip his thin face. He would not take it, not after all these years of being ridiculed at the hands of these fools.

'Always playing the hero, aren't we?' he said through clenched teeth. He directed his wand straight at James, 'Impedimenta!'

'Protego!' retorted James as Severus staggered backwards and fell on his back. He pointed his wand in retaliation as he sent a stinging hex straight at James neck and watched, to his satisfaction, him yelp with pain.

'Sectum-'

'Expelliarmus!' roared James as Snape's wand flew out of his hands, inches away from him. And with that James turned around and rushed off hurriedly.

"What's the matter, Potter?" He shouted after James. "Don't have your cronies to back you up? Or are you aspiring to turn into an insufferable saint? _She_ may think you have_ changed _but I know better!'

James stopped and turned around to face Severus. He looked thunderous. Severus stood watching the man he loathed, breathing heavily, his heart burning with contempt. He did not flinch as James began to storm his way.

He clutched Severus robes, shaking with anger. 'If you ever talk about Lily again-' hissed James as the narrowed hazel eyes defiantly stared into the black.

'She's not yours to claim!' Severus spat. He was giving himself away, he was well aware but could not care less, and he was infuriated. James threw Severus onto the ground and pointed his wand towards him.

'I'm warning you Snivelly!' he roared. 'Don't-ever-' Severus reached to grab his want but was disarmed by James who sent an Impediment jinx at him.

'You never learn do you, you worthless death eating scum?' spat James who glanced anxiously towards the full moon which was now clear in the sky. He then set off in a sprint and was immediately out of sight.

Behind him the impediment jinx was wearing off as Severus struggled to stand up, panting heavily. He was not one to wave the white flag, least of all with someone like James Potter, his pride would not allow it but he could not help feel crushed.

He felt his heart sink and burn as he recalled how Lily and James parted, how she blushed as he kissed her forehead. She looked happy – She _is_ happy with him. He placed one arm on his knee in an effort to stand up but his heart was heavy in his chest. He stared at the ground, his mind swimming with thoughts that constantly nagged him. He felt a mixture of pain, guilt and confusion.

He resented her.

And yet he longed for her. He missed her.

He had to let her go – but he couldn't.

He hated himself.

_You've gone too far into this you fool. You pushed her away._ He cursed himself inwardly.

But as he caught a glimpse of his left forearm, he felt a sickening pleasure. They were other pressing issues he had to occupy himself with at the current moment – it provided him an uneasy comfort, an escape from the emotionally draining conflicts between his mind and heart. He stood up, took one last look towards the spot where he watched Lily and James part and began his way towards the castle dungeons.


	2. Summer at Spinner's End

Summer 1975

Summers at Spinners End were always unbearable at the Snape household. It had been a few weeks since Severus had returned to his hometown for his holidays and the situation was just as he had left it the previous summer.

His parents were arguing well into the night and in an effort to ignore their constant bickering, he tried to focus on his Potions textbook. The endeavor was useless, as usual and as a result, Severus was extremely under slept.

He heaved a sigh as rummaged through his untidy trunk looking for something half- decent to wear.

Once changed, he opened the door anxiously and was relieved to see his father sleeping downstairs in front of the Television, surrounded by empty bottles of beer. He slowly began to walk down the wooden stairs, his heart racing with fear whenever his step caused a creak. He was careful not to wake his father, Tobias, whose bad moods had recently become worse. The last thing he wanted was a confrontation with the man.

He glanced at the kitchen and saw his mother sitting by the table, staring absentmindedly outside the window, she look disillusioned. The very look she always had whenever she fought with her husband. Both of his parents had probably not moved since their row last night that carried on into the early hours of the morning.

With one last fleeting look at his mother, he rushed out of the house into the bright summer day and out of Spinner's End.

He wore a muggle t-shirt which was much too large for his tall, skinny frame – so much so that the sleeves reached below his elbows. He subconsciously hunched as he walked and tried ignored the glares of a woman across the street, clutching his wand in the deep pocket of his large jeans. He recognized the woman immediately from the day before when he sought refuge in a nearby playground from his dysfunctional home life.

He had been sitting on one of the swings, when a young boy came to sit on a swing besides him. Within seconds, however, the woman called the young boy back and cast a distrustful look at Severus. It was not the first time a mother reacted to his appearance that way.

_To hell with her! Bloody Muggle_! he thought. He had something to look forward to and upon this realization a sudden nervous excitement overwhelmed him. He began to walk faster as he approached the thicket of trees.

And there she was.

Lily Evans was sitting with her back towards him as he walked towards their spot by the river. He was never one to be late but given the events of the night before…

She turned to face him upon hearing his footsteps.

'Sev!' she said as she got to her feet. She walked towards him and gave him an unexpected hug.

He hesitated initially, caught off guard by the sudden greeting but slowly wrapped his shaking arms around her delicate waist, crouching slightly as he was taller than her. His heart was hammering in his chest – it was good to see her again, to smell the scent of hair, to feel the warmth of her presence. These moments had his head stirring and he closed his eye for a split second as he tried to take in the moment. When they finally let go, he felt a flush suffuse his thin cheeks and tried to suppress the foolish smile that was beginning to spread across his face.

He immediately put a hand to the back of his neck, feeling conscious under her steady gaze, he knew he looked shabby but her beam seemed to reduce his worries and he found it difficult to tear his eyes from her face.

He quickly looked away.

'H-how was Spain?' he asked finally.

She settled herself on the cool grass and ushered for him to sit besides her. She began chatting animatedly about her trip. He watched her intently. He usually wasn't bothered about her obsession with Muggle art museums and the like but he listened attentively to each and every word. He was just relieved to finally have her company again. It was a reason to bear the intolerable summers.

They conversed well into the warm summer afternoon. About her trip, Hogwarts and the Wizarding World.

Despite his previous bad mood, he felt relatively at ease in her company as he watched her brows crease as she looked at the playground in a short distance ahead of them– that look was undeniably endearing, as if she were confused over a statement in a textbook. It was moments like these, as simple as they may have been which Severus treasured as he would subtly observe her. These moments ensured him there was always someone, no words were necessary between the two. They sat in silence which spoke volumes. It was a comfortable silence between two very good friends – best friends.

_Best friends._

It was a bittersweet fact. Sweet, because he valued her friendship. Bitter, because he always longed for much more. But was it worth risking her friendship? He was always quite decisive with most matters in life but his heart and mind were constantly at odds when it came to Lily Evans. He constantly dismissed the thought as it left him in nothing but utter confusion.

He glanced at her once more to see her with the same expression.

'Something troubling you?' he asked.

She quickly looked at him. 'I read about a recent attack on some residents in Surrey in a muggle newspaper. You don't think it has anything to do with…what's been happening, do you?' she asked unable to disguise the evident concern in her voice.

_Ofcourse ._He thought. He knew Lily would bring this up.

They had been numerous attacks on families over the past few weeks – muggle families in particular- caused by the Death Eater Rebellion.

Severus was least pushed by these attacks.

'I believe…it has everything to do with that.' He answered firmly. 'They attacked the head of the Misuse of the Muggle Artefacts Office luckily, the foolish swine – '

'My God, Sev! Just because he's a fool that doesn't mean he deserves to be murdered!' she cut across angrily. Her green eyes blazing as the summer breeze played with her hair.

Lily, as pleasant as she was, was painfully headstrong when it came to matters regarding her principles. Severus admired and disliked this certain attribute for it was constantly the cause of their many arguments but it also emphasized the fact that he had someone solid in his life. Something he needed, he knew very well at the back of his mind but would never readily admit it to himself or to anyone else for that matter.

He could depend on himself.

They did not speak for a while but he understood her concern. She constantly worried over the security of her family. Not that he genuinely cared about her family – least of all for Petunia, but it bothered him to see her upset. And so, he did not risk bringing the topic up.

Lily finally broke the silence. 'Started any homework?' she asked casually.

'No, we agreed to start together.' It was a partial lie. He was eager to start his homework, anything to keep his mind off his bitter home life but it had been difficult to concentrate. As well as this, he preferred doing his homework with Lily. It was _their thing_ after all.

'Haha! We agreed to do work on _Potions_ together, Sev. ' she said grinning '..because I was going to be away for a while .. You're- you're not one to leave your homework to the last few weeks?'

Severus frowned. He usually avoided this topic. But she seemed to have caught on.

'Are they arguing?' She asked.

'As always,' He answered irritably.

'But I thought– '

'Never mind, Lily' He snapped.

She seemed to be taken aback by this but did not press any further. This time, it was his turn to break the silence.

'The essay topic is the properties of moonstone and its use in potion making, yes?' he asked stupidly. He knew very well the topic of the essay but did not know how else to break the silence.

'You should know.' She answered slightly annoyed, but he was relieved to see Lily look up at him with a mocking grin, a spark in her eye. '_You_ are the Potions master of our year, aren't you?'

'I think that would be you, _Lovely Lily_!' he sneered irritably.

She blushed.

It was common knowledge amongst their batch, that Slughorn's class favorite was Lily Evans or 'Lovely Lily' for that matter. Severus, along with many other students, knew Horace Slughorn to be quite the flirt.

_The sleaze ball! _he thought to himself.

'Right.' She said briskly. 'Let's start the essay tomorrow?'

Same time. Same place.

The sun was beginning to set as they got up to part their separate ways_. _She looked up at him, reached for his hand and gave it a tight squeeze. 'It's good to see you again, Sev.' She said softly. Her hands were small and the squeeze was delicate but managed to send a strong tingling sensation of warmth through him. He did not answer but merely held her hand as well. Finally, her hand unconsciously slipped out of his and he watched her set off to the house across the playground. She turned back to give a final wave.

'See you!' she called out brightly. And with that she set into a light run towards her house, her thick red hair swinging as she did.

Summer in Spinners End wasn't so unbearable after all.


	3. The Fetal Position

**31****st**** October 1981.**

A young man lay on a single bed in a dark room. He lay on his stomach, his lifeless hand touching the wooden floor, his long pale fingers slightly curled. A wand was directly besides the hand, as if he was too numb to hold it. The room was a mess; books and clothes were thrown all over the floor, an odor of dust filled the room and the walls were blackening. The young man stared stonily at the wooden cupboard ahead which was infested by termites.

His black eyes were dull and empty. But a furrow between his dark eyebrows, showed something deep beneath those blank eyes. A flicker of humanity still intact – it was a glimpse of terror, fright and panic.

Sleep had eluded Severus Snape. It was almost a foreign concept to him. He slowly sat up on his elbows and buried his gaunt face in his hands, dark black, overlong, greasy hair on either side. He kept hearing his own voice echo in his head – it was a bleak voice.

'_The-the girl … Sp-spare her ...'_

He shuddered and suddenly felt sickened with overwhelming guilt as he remembered the night he relayed the Prophecy to his master like a faithful servant. He had been fearing for _her_ life ever since.

'_My-My Lord... Please...'_

He had lost all sanity when he realized his master's plan.

_The air in the room had stood still. He did not want to believe it, he hoped it was all a nightmare and that he would jump back to reality soon but to his horror, it was true. The Dark Lord has planned to hunt them down and kill them and there is nothing can he can do to stop him. Nothing. His heart began to hammer with terror, his head felt dizzy and his limbs were trembling._

_No! he thought to himself.. What have I done?_

_His breathing was shallow._

_I felt his legs weaken as he collapsed onto the ground and crawled forward in a desperate attempt to clutch his master's robes. _

'_My-My Lord…' His voice was barely audible and his entire body quivered._

_The Dark Lord turned around. His red eyes were vacant but narrowed with annoyance as he saw Severus Snape by his feet. _

_Severus continued to speak with all the strength he could muster in his nervous fit. 'My-my Lord…Please…the girl…the m-mudblood-' he said in a low trembling whisper._

'_What is this?' Voldemort spat dangerously. And with that he pulled his robes out of Severus' grip._

'_The-the girl … Sp-spare her…please. My Lord …' he said frantically._

'_Silence, you fool!'_

'_My Lord!' he repeated in a faint scream unconsciously wringing his hands._

_Voldemort did not pay attention._

_The little color Severus had left seemed to have faded from his pallid face. He was still on the ground, unable to regain the sense to stand up. His eyes darted all over the dimly lit room – to the wooden ground, to his coarse hands as he buried his face within them and shook his face. He was acting hysterical._

_No…no! I should've known… He thought hopelessly. He felt a dread begin to squeeze at his heart as his insides squirmed with a mixture of nausea and horror._

'_My Lord! Spare her…please.' He continued weakly not lifting his face from his hands._

_He finally looked up at his master pleadingly._

_Voldemort looked at him. A sneer spread across the thin mouth on his serpentine face. His eyes lingered over his servant's face and finally into his black eyes._

'_Of course…a childhood friend, Severus?' asked Voldemort softly._

_Severus did not speak but quickly avoided his gaze._

_Voldemort started to move around the room. 'A Mudblood, I believe … Talented witch she is nonetheless. I have sought to recruit her and her husband to join our cause, as you may know.'_

_Severus continued, 'My Lord … Please-'_

'_You have been very valuable to me, Severus. Very valuable. And I am grateful that you have relayed the Prophecy to me.' He halted and looked down into the pale face, 'But I regret to inform you that the plan must be carried out. 'He finished in a cold voice._

_Severus looked up at once. His face was stark white, his eyes were blank. 'My Lord … Take the child but Spare – spare the girl. Please.' He croaked. _

_Voldemort raised his hand up in impatience. 'Very well, very well Severus, if that is what you desire…I shall spare her.'_

_For a second, Severus felt a wave of gratitude and relief as he thanked his master but it wasn't before long that he was unconvinced. The Dark Lord was a single-minded man, he was well aware of this. Nothing stood in the way of his power, least of all an insignificant promise to his servant. But there was still hope. There was one man. Severus stared fixedly at the ground cautious to avoid his master's eyes as he thought of the next plan of action._

Severus stared down at his hands, a crease appearing between his eyebrows.

_What have I done?_

_Is she safe?_

He had asked Dumbledore constantly who on each occasion replied that the Potters had been given instructions to ensure their safety.

For the past three years, his occupied his mind with other tasks, tasks of a Death Eater but she was always there – deep in the back of his mind. Although he did not consciously think of her, a part of him had lost all hopes of entwined lives once she had gone her way. But he had never let go. He couldn't and had not realized what she truly meant to him until her life was under threat. And now it was a painful realization.

He always knew … but never admitted it.

_Coward._

A cold sweat trickled down his neck.

He _loved_ her.

_I don't need help from filthy little mudbloods like her!_

He shuddered at the sound of his own immaturity. He felt his insides squirm with regret. _He _had taken her for granted. Ever since they went separate ways, _he_ had his mind set- or rather mind closed – on following _this_ path. He deserved to have lost her allegiance. She had told him time and time again with genuine concern that his obsession, his aim would not do. It would neither do any good for himself nor for her or anyone else for that matter. He remembered how he use to block the image of her accusing eyes, with great difficulty, from his mind every time he would carry out his responsibilities – torture, murder, spying … And his blindness did ultimately lead to her death sentence.

He felt powerless. He wrapped his arms tightly around his knees as they moved towards his chest. Fear and helplessness inundated him. He did not want to risk closing his eyes, afraid he would fall asleep. What if he awoke to hear about her death? The thought was dreadful - like falling asleep and never waking up again. A part of him would die and never move on from then.

_Please stay with me, Lily._

He closed his eyes tightly and thought of her vibrant laugh and sparkling green eyes. He felt his thin lips curl into a small pitiful smile as a single tear rolled down his cheek, holding on desperately to any memory of her as a source of comfort. He thought of the feel of her warm body against his when they would embrace each other, the pressure of her head on his shoulders when he use to console her , the sound of her voice, the smell of her hair and the feel of her soft hands.

_Please. Stay with him. It doesn't matter._

_She'll be fine… She has stayed alive all these months_. He told himself desperately time and time again.

He held his knees with all his might, unwilling to let go as if he were holding onto Lily Evans herself and lost himself in thoughts of her green eyes, her radiating beauty that always left him speechless.

A temporary relief.

_Please don't leave me. _


	4. The Last Birthday I

**Note: I'm glad that people are reading this! The previous chapter, as the title suggested, was a bit depressing but this chapter is slightly lighter and is focused on Lily's and Snape's friendship in their 5****th**** year. **

**9****th**** January 1976.**

It was a cold, winter afternoon as Severus made his way out of the castle dungeons. He wore a thick, old grey muffler around his neck and his black, tattered robes swept the ground as he walked towards the staircase. It had been only a week since they had returned from Christmas break but the 5th year students had already received a pressurizing amount of homework assignments. Class schedules had never been so tense all owing to the demands of their O.W.L exams later in the year. They hardly had any free time between classes but Lily Evans insisted that they meet during midday before their Double Potions class.

He waited in the empty classroom that he and Lily use to often occupy to study, infrequently skip classes or just sit to have a chat. He sat on the rickety chair, in the corner, at the far end of the room. A ray of sunlight hit the classroom floor through a small creak in the wooden window but Severus made no attempt to open it. He was use to the cold, having spent most of his free time in the Dungeons of the castle.

Within moments, Lily hurriedly rushed into the classroom. Her eyes lingered around the room until she finally found Severus. Her face lit up at once.

'Glad to see you got my owl!' she said happily as he watched her sit on the chair opposite the desk in front of him.

'And what is so urgent – '

'Merlin! It's freezing in here'. And with a flick of her wand, the wooden windows opened. Warm rays of sunshine immediately flooded the dingy classroom, directly onto Lily's face. She squinted at the sudden appearance of the sunlight.

'Is this another attempt to skip a class?' he asked teasingly.

'I don't skip classes, you know that, Sev.' She replied with a mischievous grin and began to rummage through her bag.

'Actually … 'she started as she pulled out a neatly wrapped package. '… I wanted to wish you ... Happy Birthday, Sev!' she said with a large smile.

'Oh,' Said Severus. He had, as usual, forgotten that it was his birthday.

Lily folded her arms and looked at him with a mixture of mild disbelief and warmth. 'Honestly? I was expecting a more cheerful response. You don't turn 16 everyday, you know.'

'Thanks.' He mumbled as he sheepishly took the packet which was full of Honeyduke sweets. It was neatly wrapped in a transparent green covering, tied with a silver ribbon. He looked at the wrapping curiously.

'I enchanted the wrapper to make it look green.' She said as though she had read his mind. 'Quite like muggle cellophane sheets.'

'I see …' he said, rather impressed at her creativity. 'I thought you were planning to finish your assignment?' he asked recounting the night before. They had spent the entire evening in the library slogging over their essays. 5th year did not seem to allow them have any free time.

'Yes…But it's your birthday and I'd rather spend time with you.' She said affectionately.

Severus felt his heart jump in his chest as she reached out for his hand and gave it a warm squeeze. He always had a particularly rough relationship with Lily. Once they joined Hogwarts, there friendship wasn't as uncomplicated as it used to be. Prior to Hogwarts, he could engage her with his knowledge of the Wizarding World and she would watch him with a spark of wonder in her eyes, encouraging him to relay more.

"_Severus?"_

"_Yeah?"_

"_Tell me about the dementors again."_

"_What d'you want to know about them for?"_

"_If I use magic outside school - "_

"_They wouldn't give you to the dementors for that! Dementors are for people who do really bad stuff. They guard the wizard prison, Azkaban. You're not going to end up in Azkaban, you're too - "_

Innocent.

Lily was inherently innocent. Her innocence is what drew Severus to her in his childhood apart from her brilliant potential at magic. She was kind and nonjudgmental of his background, strange appearance and conspicuous oddity. He felt relatively at ease in her presence whereas he would normally never let his guard down. He had grown to being wary from a young age given his dysfunctional home life and constantly being the object of ridicule amongst many muggle children. But they could relate to each other – it was a give and take and above all, a bond. One of the first deep bonds he had ever experienced and that is why Lily was an indispensible part of his life.

Growing up he realized that Lily was also his weakness.

Over the years, their relationship wasn't as simple as it used to be. He was never sure if it was him, her or just an obvious consequence of growing up. They constantly argued over matters regarding their contrasting principles and his dark fascinations. In spite of everything, their bond was deeper than it had previously been in their childhood and today, she seemed to be in a cheery mood. This encouraged Severus.

'So…' she said as she crossed her legs. 'How does it feel … turning sixteen?' she asked with a childish eagerness.

Severus snorted. 'The same.'

Lily rolled her eyes at him and glanced at the pack of sweets. 'Well? Aren't you going to open it?' she asked keenly.

Severus opened the packaging and laid the sweets out on the table in front of them. He wasn't particularly fond of sweets but had not eaten breakfast and so started chewing on a Honey-colored toffee, while Lily munched on a Choco ball.

They took out their assignments that were to be handed in and went through them. Severus had already been through his assignment a few times whereas Lily still had her last few lines to complete. He noticed a speck of chocolate on her lips, possibly due to the Choco ball and immediately found it difficult to divert his gaze as he scrutinized her face.

Her lips were thin but somehow, temptingly full. Her green eyes ran from left to right as she skimmed through her paper, a crease appearing between her eyes. His eyes then followed the movement of her hand which went behind her neck and pulled her mane across her pale neck which was in stark contrast to her fiery red hair. His eyes then lingered to the end of her hair which rested on her chest. He suddenly felt hot and tore his eyes away with difficulty as she began to gather her parchments.

He felt himself flush. Much to his embarrassment, he often found it difficult to not stare when he was with Lily, constantly longing in the back of his mind that she would look at him in the same way.

_What if she felt the same way? _He would constantly ask himself on occasion and then shove the lingering question to the back of his mind as he would grow red in her presence.

'Snape!'

Severus quickly looked above Lily to see Mulciber leaning rather haughtily against the door. Lily turned around at once but he made no sign of acknowledging her presence.

'Tonight after dinner. Don't be late.' He said and with one last scowl at Lily, he left the classroom.

Lily looked at Severus and raised her eyebrow sharply.

'What was that about?' she asked.

'It's nothing,' Severus mumbled.

She looked at him quizzically. 'You know Sev, sometimes I wish you would confide in me more – '

'It's nothing of your concern!' He snapped.

Lily looked at him and blinked.

'Fine! There's no need to use _that _tone with me. ' She said coolly. 'And I would appreciate it if you'd tell your_ friend to_ not to look at me like I'm some –'

'What about your friend, McDonald? She doesn't seem to cease any opportunity to glare at me whenever I'm around!' he retorted harshly.

'Well, if your friends didn't play that dark little prank on her last year –'

'That was nothing … I told you! The mudblood just –'he muttered but quickly caught himself.

However, upon hearing the word 'mudblood' Lily tilted her head slowly as her eyes narrowed into green, angry slits. She bore into his black eyes.

'Mudblood? _Mudblood?' _she asked shocked.

He quickly avoided her gaze, scowling at the cupboard at his left.

'She happens to be my friend!' said Lily, her voice rising slightly.

She halted and then continued. 'And if you call her a _mudblood_, then what exactly does that make me?'

He looked at her alarmed. 'What are you saying?'

'You know exactly what I mean, Severus.'

He struggled on the verge of speech as Lily looked at him questioningly.

'Listen, it's not like that -' he said unconvincingly. Lily was unwilling to listen.

'Enjoy your birthday.' She said harshly as she picked up her bag and began to stow her items into it.

'No – wait!' He stood up but Lily had already begun to storm out of the room by then.

He let out a groan in frustration. Thoughts rushed through his brain angrily. The day had started out quite well; he had Lily all to himself and was enjoying her company. Why did it have to end like this? Why did she have to be so stubborn? And _why_ did he have to let that blasted word slip! He heaved an aggravated sigh as he began to stow his belongings and the sweets into his bag, hair matting his face as he set off to his Potions Class grumpily.


	5. Fantasies

**Summer 1975**

The feel of Lily Evans' lips on his had his mind stirring and his body weak. She held his face in her hands with such tenderness as she rested against his body. With his heart pounding madly in his chest, he kissed her back, so passionately so as to express himself where words failed to. He gently took her hands and pulled her arms across his neck. His arms were wrapped securely around her waist as he pulled her closer to him, noting in his mind that her heart was beating just as fast as his.

He pressed his lips softly against her lower lip, then to her chin and down towards her neck. At any cost, he would keep kissing her, holding her – nothing could stop this moment. He had always longed for this and would do anything to stop time right then and there.

Slowly, she spread her fingers up his neck and into his hair as tremors of pleasure engulfed him and it rendered him powerless wanting more …

'Sev…' she said as her voice rang softly in his ears.

'Hmm?'

'What are the properties of sneezewort?'

A dread squeezed at his heart. 'W-what?' he stammered.

He knew it couldn't last long.

At once, Severus straightened himself up against the tree, his heart still thumping madly and looked around himself. Lily was sitting a few inches away from him, lying on her stomach as she poured over her Potions essay.

Overwhelmed with a burning urge to pull her towards him, he did not risk looking at her again, trying to recover from the disorientation he was still experiencing as a result of the dream.

'The uses of sneezewort?' she repeated.

He felt her eyes on him and quickly tilted his head slightly so as to avoid her gaze.

'Oh, didn't see you sleeping.' She said amused.

Lingering thoughts of the dream were still present in his mind - her hands running through his hair, her soft lips and the warm feel of her body against his … He felt himself grow hotter by the moment at these very thoughts.

_Stop it!_ He told himself.

'S-sorry must've dosed off.' He started as he tried to regain his composure. 'My essay is right there, just have a look.' He muttered hurriedly as pointed a shaking finger towards his textbook in which he had stowed his essay.

It was increasingly difficult to discern between his dream and fantasies – they were becoming the same now. And to his mortification Lily Evans was sitting right next to him. What if she could sense what was on his mind? What he had dreamt about? Had he said something he shouldn't have in his slumber?

From the corner of his eyes, through his black hair that covered his face, he saw Lily open the textbook and take the essay. To his relief, she no longer watched him and returned to completing her essay.

He sat cross-legged, facing the ground and began to rub his eyes as flashes of his dream were slowly dissipating and his heartbeat returned to a steady rate.

Within moments, however, he was jerked back into his usual state of alertness at the sound of footsteps and twigs snapping nearby.

He lifted his face up and saw the head of a girl with blonde hair walking in the bushes that Severus straight away recognized as Petunia Evans. He stood up, irritated at the sight of her presence, and wondered as to what could possibly bring her here. Surely, she wasn't spying on the _freaks_ as she did years ago. Her relationship with Lily had almost been literally severed when she had left for Hogwarts. They hardly spent time together and Petunia had cut off from any association with what was remotely a part of the wizarding world once she was rejected by it.

'What does she want!' Severus spat coldly but Lily was not listening. She quickly stood up and was observing her sister intently, a trace of concern and worry in her eyes.

Petunia's already pale eyes were blank and glistening with tears. Her mouth quivered as she teetered on the edge of speech.

'Was told to get you,' she started as she sniffed. Clearly, she was sent here against will, there was no mistaking the spite in her voice.

'What is it?' asked Lily in a low voice and Severus could sense a hint of dread and worry in her tone as if she intuitively felt something was amiss.

To his annoyance, however, Petunia managed to cast Severus a fleetingly disdainful look even in her distressed state. He had opened his mouth to speak, harsh words on his lips but she had turned to speak to Lily.

'Grandmum.' said Petunia in a low, feeble voice as she looked at Lily with a vacant expression.

The tears that began to run down Petunia's face betrayed her cold demeanor. And then, she turned on her heel and hurried away, sobbing.

Severus glanced at Lily. Her eyes were fixed wide upon the spot where Petunia stood, her lips parted, quivering slightly and the radiating glow that usually suffused her face had suddenly vanished as a single tear ran down her cheek.


	6. A Lost Friendship

**April 1977**

'…And you haven't told me how your _date_ went!'

'What? Oh! 'Lily had almost completely forgotten about her date with Stephen Ackerly. It had been _that_ dreadful.

'Well?' Marlene asked eagerly.

Lily sighed. Stephen Ackerley, a Ravenclaw, who she had had an interesting conversation with on her previous Slug Club meeting, insisted on taking her out on a date. Lily was initially quite … reluctant. He was handsome, yes; brown haired, blue eyed and charmingly witty, although there was something unpleasant about Stephen that she couldn't quite put her finger on. But, as usual, she felt it was unwise to judge a person upon their first impression and finally agreed to go on a date with him. Upon doing so, she figured out what _it_ was exactly.

Stephen was frustratingly aloof, completely immersed in a world of his own and when he was attentive, he would constantly dot over how _exotic_ Lily was, how _fascinating_ she was …

_He can't have met many decent girls_. She thought to herself. And besides, she didn't want to go on a date to be incessantly complimented. It hardly seemed genuine anyway.

Lily narrated the events of the date as Marlene began to burst out laughing on the castle lawn, under the beech tree nearby the lake. Marlene was a bold and clever housemate, who, although was a year senior to Lily, was slowly becoming a good friend.

'My, aren't you hard to please, I told you – Roger Owen , he was _the one_!' she said with a grin as soon as she regained her composure.

'You're one to talk Marlene, refusing to date Micheal Mickinnon when you obviously fancy him? Is this your attempt at playing hard to get?' Lily retorted cheekily.

Marlene flushed.

Roger Own … What was it with boys? Earlier in the year she had gone on a date with the Hufflepuff Quidditch Team Keeper. She was thoroughly excited, given that it was her first date, but it only proved to be an utter disappointment. She had noticed him a week prior the date – intelligent, civil, charming but upon meeting him at Hogsmeade he proved to be the Hufflepuff equivalent of James Potter -

_James Potter._

And as though Marlene had read her mind …

'What about James Potter? We all know how much _he_ fancies you!'

It was Lily's turn to flush.

Marlene continued, 'And … well, he's quite handsome - '

'He's handsome, alright,' Lily interrupted trying to sound as bored as possible. 'And rude, conceited – '

'But he's _changed_, Lily,' Marlene said impatiently. 'I mean, look at him! Don't tell me you haven't seen it!'

Lily rose up her hand dismissively, 'Oh, for Merlin's sake!'

But in spite of herself, Lily couldn't help noting in her mind that James _had_ changed. He was … well … very gallant, had deflated his head a bit, perhaps was slightly more serious regarding his academics, surprisingly polite now (He had switched from calling her 'Evans' to addressing her by her first name instead) and – Lily had to admire the fact – was fiercely protective about his friends and bold about what he stood for . She felt herself blushing once more.

But no! He still had traces of his arrogant, immature self – the bullying toe rag that once use to hex anyone just because he could, especially her best friend -

_Ex – best friend, _Lily corrected herself.

But why was that an issue in the first place? What did she owe _him _after this whole year? Would she always feel obligated to appease Severus? What did his opinion count when her opinion clearly didn't count to him! She recounted the times she would confront him about his company, which clearly wasn't doing him any good, his mindless dabbles in the dark arts and his growing prejudicial ideology towards her kind but he always shrugged her off.

_Well, what else did he expect from his best friend … A mindless sycophant?_

She recalled the time she defended him despite everything on the very spot that she was occuping in the huge lawn.

_I don't need help from filthy little mudbloods like her!_

Lily nodded her head in irritation.

She had cut off with Severus a year ago. In her mind, she had been rethinking the relationship for a while prior to that incident but _that_ was the last nail in the coffin. And as she coldly turned her back on him, she actually felt quite hurt and felt that _he_ had already turned his back on her once he adamantly decided to go his way with his idolization and worship of Lord Voldemort.

She shuddered at the thought of the name and bid Marlene goodbye as she left for her class as Lily was left to dwell over the memories that began to swarm her mind. A wave of nostalgia inundated her.

_Severus confronting her for the first time in the playground … Sneaking around in Petunia's room … how he consoled her following the death of her grandmother … how she had insisted on teaching him how to dance on one occasion …_

Lily smiled reminiscently.

Overwhelmed with Christmas spirit she had insisted that Severus dance with her upon hearing a song she liked. She recalled how his arms were shaking, how fast his heart was beating and how he adamantly avoided her eyes. Also, how he would blush profusely whenever their eyes did meet. And whenever their eyes did meet, she couldn't help notice that slightest hint of greed, wanting, longing …

The very look that had, at times, sent chills down her spine.

During those days, she had always wondered what exactly was beneath those intense, enigmatic eyes. Often she would dismiss the thought altogether, telling herself that any guy in the company of a girl, in such close proximity to a girl would react in such a way, especially one that constantly sought the company of one particular girl -

Lily paused in her thinking. She felt her heart skip a beat.

She had always intuited and thought, deep in the back of her mind, that Severus felt _differently_ for her. She wasn't entirely sure since he was always so guarded and controlled but whenever his hand would inadvertently brush hers, whenever they would embrace, she saw something in his eyes that she was unable to register. But the fact that it was powerful in its effect said enough. And it didn't make her feel uncomfortable in his company. So close and so fond of him she felt that it did not even bother her. And why should it? They were best friends after all; she wouldn't and knew Severus wouldn't let such a thing affect their friendship.

And given time over, she would've perhaps felt the same way. But at every chance she had to cultivate those very feelings, Severus would, in some way, deflate them altogether.

She sighed once more.

After their final conversation, she found herself constantly brooding - Had she been too harsh? Was she being a bad friend after all these years? She reasoned with herself over and over again with an uneasy sense of guilt in her heart.

In the few classes that she still shared with him in 6th year, she found herself gazing at Severus occasionally, unable to deny that she still was concerned about him. And there were time when she could've sworn that she caught Severus staring at her too, with the slightest look of sadness, longing in his eyes but would immediately turn to see him scribbling in the margins of his textbook fervently, jet-black, overlong hair curtaining his thin face.

Although she wouldn't admit it to herself, she did _miss_ him – His sarcasm, his contagious energy and ambition, his pride; how he would hate to accept ignorance on his part but most of all, who he just _was_ essentially.

'… _Mulciber's and Avery's idea of humor is just evil. Evil, Sev. I don't understand how you can be friends with them.'_

Severus was insecure. She knew it, he wouldn't accept it himself and she wouldn't dare point it out but he was, under his front, a vulnerable person. Lily knew him all too well. He never let his guard down, much to her frustration, and she wish he did.

She looked across the lawn to see him right there, the object of her thoughts …

So consumed was she in her own brooding that she did not even notice Severus sitting in his usual spot, under the shade of a clump of bushes, immersed in a tattered, old book. He stood up, picked up his belongings and began to stride towards the castle when he caught her eyes.

Severus froze.

The book slipped out of his grasp onto the grass.

Lily held her breath.

He held her gaze, his intense black eyes tainted with what seemed like longing, frustration, and confusion. _So_ tainted were his eyes that it pierced her heart in a way she did not want to admit.

He slowly bent down and hastily outstretched his arm to reach the book as Lily caught of glimpse of something – something embedded deep into his skin - that made her heart sink terribly and settle heavy deep within her chest.

He quickly pulled the sleeves of his robes downwards with his free hand and looked at her nervously, long hair matting his face. Upon tearing his eyes away, he held her stare, his black eyes heavy with a mixture of fear and guilt. It may have lasted mere seconds but it felt like ages before he finally began to set off across the lawn towards the castle…

Lily looked downwards at the grass as she fiddled with her finger.

Perhaps she had been right about him.


	7. Life of a Death Eater

**Note: Mention of mature-theme and use of harsh language.**

**October 1978**

A few months had passed since the death of Tobias Snape and the Snape household had an overwhelming air of neglect. Eileen Snape had resigned herself to her bedroom following the death of her husband, further shutting herself in from an already gloomy life. As a result, Severus Snape, her only son, felt obligated to remain in the household, brewing potions whenever she fell ill which was a now a frequent occurrence.

The death occurred shortly after Severus' return from Hogwarts. Hearing about the death of his father stirred no pity, grief or any emotion in Severus Snape whatsoever. They never had a relationship to begin with apart from the occasional deprecating remark or beating. His father, being the pathetic muggle he was, despised magic – and everything else for that matter - causing a huge strain on the relationship.

As a young boy, Severus was often elated at the prospect of leaving for Hogwarts, hell-bent on securing a powerful place for himself, without the need to return to his home in Spinner's End.

During his Hogwarts years, many students were terrified of the young recluse who constantly had his nose in the dark arts. The Half Blood Prince gradually became acknowledged amongst the aristocratic, Pure-blood Slytherins for his vast knowledge of the Dark arts, adept skills at Potion making and thus, struck an impressive figure as a recruit for the Dark Lord. As it is, Severus' ideology was already compliant with that of the rebellion. And now, having completed his final year at Hogwarts a few months ago, Severus Snape stood a full-fledged servant to Lord Voldemort.

Upon becoming a Deatheater, Severus had quickly reached the ranks of Lord Voldemort's most useful servants. He felt part of an organization where his skills were valued and honored much to the envy of others. After years of his pathetic lowly life at Spinner's end, beatings at the hands of his filthy muggle father and being ostracized as a teenager, it was only likely that Severus would attempt to gain an important position where he could prove himself powerful - and very rightly so. Severus was precise, cunning, controlled and detached – all in all the prefect qualities required in a spy and a powerful dueler with an abundance of dark curses to choose from, having created quite a few of them himself. As well as this, he was now completing his skills as an Occlumens and a Legilimens.

_AUROR, JOHN SETH CAPTURED_

'Of course …' Severus murmured as he read the headlines of the Daily Prophet. He had, after all, found out the information that led to the auror's whereabouts.

Severus was now waiting on further orders as he set a goblet down on the rickety table and poured himself some Elderwine. He wasn't one to read the Daily Prophet, believing it to be full of Ministry infiltrated and other lies so as to sell itself but he was ordered to do so to see the take on the raid that they had carried out the previous night. Having spotted the article, he skimmed through it.

_MUGGLES TARGETED – DEATHEATERS CLAIM RESPONSIBIITY_

_The Ministry of Magic confirmed late last night that an attack was set yet again on a Muggle pub – '1969' by none other than the Deatheater rebellion…..7 unidentified death eaters carried out the raid which resulted in the killing and torture of several muggles….'..we are doing everything we can to round the criminals up….urge the magical society to remain alert in these unpredictable times,' said Bartemius Crouch Senior, Head of the Department of the Magical Law Enforcement – _

Ironically, his own son, Bartemius Crouch Jr. had led the raid. He scanned through the rest of the paper to see if anything else was written on the raid.

_REFORMS AT THE MINISTRY …. TORNADOES WIN THIS QUIDDITCH SEASON ….TRAGIC DEMISE OF AUTHOR, HELGA BRADLEY – _

Upon seeing a pair of startlingly green, almond-shaped eyes staring at him, Severus froze. They were eyes that he had not seen in months – they were beaming at him, shining with happiness …

_ANNOUNCEMENT: JAMES POTTER WEDS LILY EVANS_

His mind froze.

He read the headline again knowing full well that it would remain imprinted in his mind forever.

_JAMES POTTER WEDS LILY EVANS_

A terrible wave of fury stabbed at his hurt.

He looked over the photo as his insides began to boil with rage. James Potter, with his usual smug expression – disgustingly self- satisfied as ever, holding Lily Evans in his arms. She looked up at James adoringly then turned back towards Severus. There was absolutely no denying the glow on her face, the spark in her eyes as James held her, looking both content and overjoyed.

And tonight, they would ultimately consummate their love, if they had not already and just the mere thought of it sent a sickening surge of anguish through Severus.

His insides seethed with rage as he dropped the prophet out of his shaking grip and threw himself onto the armchair behind, burying his face in his hands.

He had lost her.

He fell deeper into the armchair, weighed down by his heavy heart, disturbed by his anguished mind. It was hard enough having to see the image of her reproachful eyes everyday in his mind. He tried to forget about her but still fed himself on the hope that one day… one day, perhaps, she would see him as someone powerful, as someone worthy, worthy of what he had always so desperately craved for. He had partially given up hope when she started dating James Potter but this … was an outright blow to his ego, to his heart … And it was tearing at him.

_Fuck her!_ He told himself furiously. _Filthy mudblood!_

There were other women of purer blood…worthier of him…

But when did her blood ever matter to him?

_"Does it make a difference, being Muggle-born?"_

"_No … It doesn't make any difference."_

He gripped his hair in frustration. Perhaps if he had just listened to her, if he had just told her that he –

_No! _

Without another glance at the picture, he picked up the prophet from the wooden floor and threw it into the fireplace as he watched with a sickening pleasure, the newspaper catch flames with his gaze fixed intently on the green eyes.

He swore to himself it was the very last time he would ever seek those very eyes again. Those eyes that had the capacity to set his mind stirring, make his heart bound or drop, instill him with greed and longing and make his insides squirm with fear and hate. Those eyes placated him, soothed him, softened him and he would always find himself lost within them.

But never again.

"_You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine."_

And he had very well chosen his way. What did it matter what he was in her eyes, when he was highly valued and considered one of the most loyal, by none other than the Dark Lord himself.

He felt a sensation of heat where the dark mark was branded into his skin and with that, Severus disapparated, his eyes still undeniably plagued with a glint of sadness.

**Note: This is my interpretation of how Severus would react, quite similar to his humiliation in SWM. I just think it would have been a terrible ego killer for him when Lily married James. Hope you guys like it! The next chapter will take off from where Chapter 5 (The Last Birthday) finished.**


	8. The Last Birthday II

**9****th**** January 1976**

Lily had not spoken to Severus the entire day following their argument in the morning. They had sat separately in their Double Potions class, whereas they would often sit together. During the lesson, he had constantly tried to catch her eye, eager for a look of approval, a smile, anything that would indicate that she had forgotten about their row and had put it behind her. Unfortunately, she did not return the gaze and was completely immersed in brewing her potion. As a result, Severus could not concentrate on the lesson and pondered as to whether he should approach Lily or not at the end of class. Refusing to apologize, as he was unable to comprehend as to why she was so offended, he decided not to.

After having a quick dinner, Severus made his way towards the castle dungeons where he had agreed to meet Davis Mulciber. He had consented to Mulciber's incessant requests to tell him about his Sectumsempra spell or rather, 'that spell you used on Black' once Mulciber agreed to tell him the secret of the Cruciatus curse, his specialty.

Davis Mulciber, a tall and intimidating housemate with black hair, sharp features and a deep voice, had become one of Severus' few friends. Initially, Severus found his overbearing, precocious attitude unbearable but finally grew use to his ways.

'Did you hear?' asked Mulciber impatiently as Severus entered the deserted and dimly lit classroom.' That Rebecca girl has finally recovered then.' sneered Mulciber in his heavy and hoarse voice.

'Naturally …' replied Severus. The entire school had been taking about it at dinner. 'And the effects of the bracelet, although very harmful, would not inflict permanent damage. You had thought it out, after all, didn't you?'

'True. Though I give you credit for largely being responsible to curse it.'

Severus smirked.

At that moment, Regulus Black walked in. Although he was junior to them, his knowledge of Dark Magic and his cleverness was well beyond his years. He was dark-haired, grey –eyed as and overall quite similar in appearance to his brother, Sirius Black but Severus believed he lacked his brother's arrogance which made him slightly more likable. He was accompanied by Evan Rosier who looked shaken.

'Guess what?' said Rosier irritably. 'That stupid Macdonald, has been telling the whole school _we_ were behind the bracelet.'

Severus felt a jolt of tension in his stomach. What if Lily had heard as well? He did not want another confrontation with her over such matters.

'And what proof does she have?' asked Mulciber. 'Just because of what happened last year – '

'She saw you wrapping the package in the owlery. I heard 'er telling 'er mates.'

Severus fears had been confirmed in that case.

Mulciber, who never failed to look straight-faced, looked tense for a split second but immediately regained his calm. 'You know what? Who cares! I bet she doesn't even have to nerve to tell a teacher – '

'I wouldn't be too sure, Mulciber,' added Severus curtly. 'That mudblood with her big mouth – '

Mulciber let out a humorless laugh, '_Mudblood?'_ he repeated. '… Coming from the fuckin'mudblood lover himself!'

Rosier and Regulus sniggered.

Severus felt him flush in humiliation.

Mulciber turned to Regulus and Rosier, 'I saw him today, in a classroom with the filthy red head, as usual …'

He felt his insides boil but did not say anything.

'…. And you wouldn't believe it!' he stated exasperatedly '… He was _ogling_ at her - '

Regulus let out a loud bark-like laughter. Severus determinedly looked at one of the empty jars on the shelf. He opened his mouth to speak, but was cut short by Mulciber who carried on with his narration of events.

'I don't blame him though …'he turned to Severus, smiling nastily. 'I mean, whatever she is, she certainly does please the eye – '

At that very moment, Severus jabbed his wand straight into Mulciber's pale neck as Mulciber staggered backwards against the desk behind him.

Behind them, Rosier and Regulus had got to there feet, wands out.

'OY! Relax Snape!' called out Rosier but Severus ignored them.

Mulciber eyed the wand, looking paler than usual and a glint of fear was evident in his eyes, to Severus' satisfaction. Slowly, he looked down into Severus' face and upon regaining his calm, stared at him defiantly. He clutched Severus' wrist with his large hands, baring his uneven, brown teeth.

'We had a deal, Snape!' hissed Muliber viciously.

'Very well then,' said Severus in a low voice. 'Allow me to show you how it's done!' he said as he pushed the wand further into Mulicber's neck, the curse ready on his lips but was sidetracked by another bark-like laughter nearby, a laughter much like Regulus' but louder and more obnoxious in it's nature …

Sirius Black and James Potter were walking past the corridor, immersed in a laughing fit. Upon seeing the occupants of the classroom, the smiles immediately vanished off their faces.

Sirius stepped inside as James leaned against the door, rumpling his hair, with his usual conceited expression.

_Bastards_! Severus thought to himself.

He felt terribly annoyed and angered at their presence, especially at that of James Potter and slowly, lowered his wand from Mulciber's neck. His attention was now diverted.

'Hello brother.' said Sirius coolly as he faced Regulus.

Regulus flushed and glowered at him. 'You are no _brother_ of mine!' he snarled. 'You _blood traitor_ – '

'– _abomination, shame of my flesh_!' completed James in a shrill voice that suggested he was attempting to mimic a woman. Sirius roared with laughter.

Regulus continued to grimace at both them, his nostrils flaring.

'You really _are_ mum's boy, aren't you Reg?' said Sirius in a mocking tone.

'Wha' are you doing ere'?' demanded Rosier angrily.

Sirius turned to face him and raised an eyebrow sharply. 'We roam the castles as we please, you git!' He spat.

Rosier opened his mouth to retort but was cut across by James.

'We'd love to stay and chat, you know, only - '

'Now _who_ would want that?' Severus sneered, revolted at his audacity.

James turned on him with a look of purest hatred but then, his thin mouth slowly twisted into a smirk.

'Why, have your mates finally decided to teach you how to wash your hair, _Snivellus_?'

Severus glared at James, his heart pounding with hatred and immediately pointed his wand directly at James' face while James and Sirius took their wands out of their robes in unison.

'What's going on here?' called out a voice nearby. Frank Longbottom had rushed into the classroom looking alarmed.

'None of your business, Longbottom!' snapped Mulciber who had also taken out his wand at the presence of Sirius and James.

Frank shot at him. 'Everything to do with my business, I'm headboy!' He looked around at the rest. 'It's time you all start heading back to your dormitories. And you two –'he turned to James and Sirius.

'All okay, Frank?' asked James with a grin. Frank looked as though he were trying to suppress a grin but was adamant to remain on topic.

'I think you're about to set a record with the number of detentions you have received – '

'Brilliant!' remarked James.

'Is it?' asked Frank amused. 'Well then maybe one more will do – '

'No worries, Frank,' said Sirius calmly as he rose a hand up to placate him. 'James and I were just heading towards the Common Room anyway.' He said with a mischievous grin which clearly stated they were doing otherwise. 'That's right. See you, Snivellus!' James called out and with that, they both turned to leave.

Severus felt infuriated as he walked out of the classroom with Rosier, Mulciber and Regulus. Had it not been for Frank Longbottom's intervention, he would've surely hexed the living hell out of James Potter. The other boys were immersed in a conversation, clearly annoyed that the whole school had ultimately found out the truth behind the bracelet that was given to Rebecca Abott, but Severus only had one concern regarding the matter.

A thought occurred to him.

Perhaps he could catch Lily just in time before she headed off towards the Gryffindor Common Room.

And with that, he immediately left the group, least bothered to tell them that he was doing so, as he dashed up the stairs into the dark entrance hall and then up the staircase towards the Gryffindor Common Room.

And there he spotted a group of girls, chatting animatedly amongst each other. He noticed Lily immediately, for she stood out for him anywhere with her fiery red hair. Surprisingly, she appeared quiet and contemplative. Usually, she was the life of the group and if she was not talking, she would listen attentively to her friends with keen eyes. Today, however, she seemed distant and aloof.

Severus deliberated over whether he should approach her or not. He hated doing so while she was with her friends for he often received glares from them but he decided to swallow his pride this time in the hopes that she would ultimately speak to him again following what happened earlier in the morning.

He cleared his throat.

'Lily!'

She turned around. The chatting slowly died down as her other friends were now watching him as well, with calculating looks. Severus felt himself grow red, annoyed and uncomfortable.

Lily observed him for a moment, then, ignoring the glares from her friends started to walk towards him. To his relief, the rest of the girls returned to their chatting and set off towards the Common Room.

Lily crossed her arms and looked up into his face. 'How was your get together with your _friends_?' She asked coolly.

'Fine. Listen to me – 'he snapped.

She seemed taken aback by this at first, as she raised her eyebrows but nevertheless, continued to listen.

He hesitated, not knowing how to start conversation.

'What's the matter with _you_?' he said finally refusing to sound apologetic.

'_What's the matter with me_?'She asked defiantly.

Severus retraced at once. 'No – that's not what I – Look!_ You've_ ignored me all day– '

'And very rightly so,' snapped Lily coolly. 'First you tell me off, _then_ you call Mary a mudblood, it's almost as if you're insulting _me_!'

'You know I didn't mean it that way!' he said defensively.

'That's besides the point! And I've told you before, _Mulciber _and this _gang _you're hanging around with – I mean – '

'_Gang?_ What about Potter and _his_ gang?' he asked unable to control the angry he was beginning to feel at the mention his name, especially now that he was in Lily's presence. He had always felt in the back of his mind, that Lily fancied James Potter. Often, he had noticed, to his utter annoyance and disappointment, Lily blushing at the mention of his name … eyeing him out of the corner of eye during a Quidditch match … even defending him at times …

'_They_ can _strut_ about the castles as they please, right?' he demanded harshly.

Lily nodded her head in disbelief as she clapped a hand to her forehead. _'Potter and his mates_! Always taking about _Potter and his mates_ as if they are _my_ company and I'm constantly defending _their_ behavior! '

Severus opened his mouth speak but closed it immediately.

She continued 'I'm only telling you what I honestly think, I mean, I've heard they were responsible for that bracelet. It was cursed, Sev! _Cursed_! '

'It wasn't _cursed_; it was merely _jinxed_ so as to inflict temporary pain, to see if – 'He quickly caught himself.

He had not meant to say it, it had slipped out of his mouth in his agitation, in his frustration, but he knew very well, that he had given himself away.

_Shit!_ He thought to himself.

Lily looked up at him alarmed, a crease appearing between her eyes.

'You were in on it, weren't you?' she asked in a low voice.

'N- no, I wasn't!' he said hastily. Lily wasn't convinced.

_Fuck!_

She had turned to leave but Severus quickly grabbed her wrist. She stopped in her tracks and turned to face him, her green eyes narrowed in anger.

'Must you always jump to conclusions?' he demanded boring into her green eyes, softening the grip on her wrist.

She hesitated before she opened her mouth to speak but closed it again, evidently at loss of what to say.

'Look,' he said earnestly trying to keep a straight face as he released her wrist but did not break contact with her gaze 'I swear … I had nothing to do with it - '

'Then how do you know exactly what it did?' she asked fiercely. She was looking flustered now.

'I asked them. That was all. I was curious.'

She looked down at her feet, scowling. 'Fine,' she muttered.

For a couple of moments, neither of them spoke until Lily looked up to face him.

'Look … I just wish you would give it some thought, the things I tell you.' She said sincerely.

Severus immediately looked away, glaring at a portrait. He despised these conversations with Lily.

'Sev, Listen to me! 'And with that, she placed a hand on his cheek and turned it in her direction so that he was facing her. Her fingers brushed his lips as she pulled her hand away. He stiffened at her contact.

'I'm just concerned, so please … '

And then he saw it. The concern, the pleading, it pierced at his heart. He did know what it was about her, that made Lily Evans have such an effect on him but he found it hard to look away and looked at her intensely. So consumed was he by his own irritation earlier, that he had not even noticed how close he was to her face. He studied her eyes, her striking eyes …

She diverted her gaze, slightly red but he continued to search her, narrowing his eyes and noting in that back of his mind, that she had blushed.

'Okay?' she asked quietly as she stared down at her feet.

'Yes.' Said Severus softly but he was hardly listening anymore, his mind was somewhere else now.

And with that, she bade him goodnight as she set off towards the common room.

Severus watched Lily intently as she walked off, hair falling into his eyes, his hand on the wall against which Lily was leaning with a heavy weight lifted from his chest. He felt his hand unconsciously move towards the spot on his mouth where her fingers had brushed his lips. Her touched, although less than momentary and accidental, was soft and gentle. Only once Lily was out of sight did he set off towards the castle dungeons, towards the Slytherin common room, a new spring in his step, eager to get a good night's sleep after a tiresome day.


	9. Intimate moments I

**Summer 1975**

Lily had gone out of town for a week following the death of her grandmother, Kathleen Evans. Severus knew that Lily was indeed very close to her but he did not feel genuinely sorry for the death of her muggle grandmother. He only felt troubled due to the fact that Lily was extremely grief-stricken and that he was unable to see her. As it is, he had never experienced the loss of a loved one himself, not that the loss of either of his parents could induce much grief to him anyway. He wondered if there was anyone at all in his life whose death could cause him so much sorrow...

He had never known his grandparents or extended family. He was certain that his mother had been disowned by her family upon marrying a muggle with their pure-blood ideals even though she rarely spoke about the issue. And he was least bothered about his father's parents.

He heard the clattering and the crash of plates downstairs.

'Watch it, you bloody witch!' yelled his father. It was only afternoon but Tobias Snape was drunk, as usual, letting his anger out on his wife and son.

Severus closed his eyes tightly in irritation with the desire to leave his home at Spinner's end but he did not want to be noticed by his cantankerous father upon doing so. He quietly opened the door and walked down the stairs to the clustered kitchen where his mother was washing dishes. The kitchen had a pungent stench, scattered cutlery was piled up by the rusting sink and the table which had never been occupied, for as far as he could recall, had a thick layer of dust. Severus wondered as to why it was even there in the first place.

His mother was reluctantly scrubbing a plate over the running tap, immersed in thought, her eyebrows furrowed. Apparently, she had not even noticed Severus' arrival into the kitchen, for he was very discreet. Upon his way towards the kitchen door however, the shuffling of his footsteps must have caught her attention for she spun around at once and looked at him sharply. Years of beatings at the hands of Tobias Snape and yet his mother never ceased to catch the smallest slight. It was only immediately after a row that she was completely disillusioned.

'Where are _you_ going?' she hissed, her eyes anxiously darting towards the living room where his father was indulging in beer excessively.

He scowled at her.

'Out.' He said firmly and before she could open her mouth to say anything he swiftly opened the door and left.

There was still nearly an hour left before he was to meet Lily but he needed any excuse to get out of his house. He sat by the river, under the thicket of trees, their usual rendezvous point. His stomach was rumbling painfully with hunger but he would rather bear the pain than return to his home to find his parents fighting again, his father hurling abuses at his mother, throwing his fist in her face and ultimately receiving a beating himself.

He picked up a twig and broke it into pieces miserably.

But it wasn't before long that Lily came walking towards him slowly, looking downwards, her arms wrapped tightly around herself as if she where sheltering herself from the cold wind when it was in fact, the heat of the summer. He stood up immediately.

As she came closer, he saw circles beneath her eyes, her hair slightly unkempt but very beautifully so. She looked up at him and gave him a weary smile.

'Hi, Sev,' She said weakly, her voice hoarse and low.

He stood in front of her, observing her while she looked down at the grass, a frown appearing between her eyes. He was at loss of what to say. Never had he seen Lily looking so distraught and it troubled him as he felt clueless as to how he could condole her or make her feel better, as to how he could bring the spark back into her eyes, the glow reappear on her face. He certainly was not one with emotions.

And so he stood in front of her sheepishly until she finally sat down and patted the grass for him to sit besides her.

'Did you get the letter from school?' asked Lily as she fiddled with a twig.

Earlier this morning, he had received an owl from the school with the yearly letter which stated that he was to board the Hogwarts Express on September the first.

'Yes. Did you?' he asked and suddenly felt stupid. If she had asked him that obviously suggested that she had received it herself.

'Yes. This morning.'

Encouraged, he decided to continue the conversation in the direction it suggested.

'It's going to be a tough year.' Said Severus. 'With O. and everything …. '

His voice trailed away, she was not listening. He stole a look at Lily to see a single tear running down her cheek as she quickly wiped her eyes.

He frowned.

'Lily - '

'- The Doctor said she was fine!' she exclaimed in a pained voice. '… and then she just - '

She stopped and closed her eyes for a moment then took out a small, old photograph and handed it to Severus.

'This – this is her … when she was younger.' She choked.

He looked at the photo of a woman who faintly resembled Lily. She had Lily's eyebrows and her large forehead. Although he could not tell the color of Kathleen Evan's eyes, given that the photo was black and while, their shape was different than Lily's and so he finally came to the conclusion that Lily's eyes were unique, having already seen photos of her other family members.

'You resemble her.' He said.

'Thank you.'

She looked down at the photo lovingly as tears sprang to her eyes once again.

'I'm sorry, I just – '

And then she buried her face in his chest as she began to sob away. He almost fell backwards with her unexpected embrace but then gingerly put an arm around her. She then spread her hand over his chest and onto his shoulder and held him tightly as tears began to wet his shirt.

He felt a warm pressure on his chest where Lily rested her head, inhaling the smell of a hair, relishing the feel of her soft arms. His heart was pounding fiercely in his chest against Lily's cheek but he did not want to control it - he would rather she feel his heart beat so as to express himself. But yet, he also tried to steady his beat, not trusting himself with being in such close proximity to Lily. Slowly, she elevated her face from his chest and rested it upon his shoulder. He had to wrench all the thoughts that began filing his mind as her breath fanned his neck sending shivers of pleasure through his body, thoughts that were not appropriate at that moment for she needed him.

But to have Lily Evans against his body, holding him fiercely, being a shoulder to cry on, sent a warm wave of gratitude to his heart. He was appreciative enough just to have her so close to him, the closest to bliss he had ever been, holding onto the moment, not wanting to let go of her soft body.

Suddenly, a terrible thought struck him.

If there was one person in his life he could not bare to lose it was her. She was the only person.

He had to repress a shiver at the thought of losing Lily, it was unbearable. He tightened his grip around her.

Even once she had stopped crying, her head remained on his shoulder as she observed the sun setting on the horizon. They did not speak. The silence was comfortable, blissful for Severus as he too rested his head on top on hers.

It couldn't last for long, of course.

To his disappointment, she finally let go and began to gather herself.

'Sorry, I really needed to let that out.' She said. He stole a glance at Lily as she heaved a sigh of relief, looking considerably more relaxed now.

There was no need for her to be sorry.

'S'alright.' He mumbled. He could still feel the pressure of her head on his shoulder, the warmth of her body against his …

They sat in silence for a while before Lily began to speak again.

'How are things at your place?' she inquired.

'Fine.' He answered rather briskly, annoyed at the sudden change of topic.

'Won't be soon before we're back in Hogwarts anyway …' he carried on.

She gave him a warm smile.

'It's exciting starting another year yet again …' she said but Severus did not mistake the hint of apprehension in her voice. Maybe it was the constant news of recent deaths, disappearances, tortures – the reign of Lord Voldemort. But it was unlike Lily to be unenthusiastic about resuming Hogwarts. Perhaps the death of her grandmother had depressed her slightly.

They continued to talk about their upcoming year as Severus felt relieved that Lily was slowly returning back to her usual cheerful self, until it was finally time for them to part ways.

'Severus? ' asked Lily as she got up to leave.

'Yeah?'

'Thank you for everything, you mean so much to me.'

His heart stood still.

He was slightly surprised when she said this. Perhaps her grandmother's death had left her somewhat emotional but nevertheless her words had a powerful impact on him, so much so that it left him speechless. He knew of course that Lily was talking about their friendship but he could always imagine that she meant more than mere friendship. As well as this, she said it with so much simultaneous emotion and vulnerability that he had the sudden urge to hold her and express that there was no doubt as to his sincerity as well, that she to, meant so much to him, much more than she could ever imagine.

He looked into her face, his heart beating. He did not know what to say in response or whether a response was even necessary at all but he felt the need to return sentiment or rather, express his own.

His eyes flickered onto her lips for a brief second. Perhaps they were other ways of doing so.

He swallowed.

His heartbeat increased and he felt himself grow hot at the thought, it was either now or never. So sorely tempted he felt but was torn by the lingering possibility in his mind of rejection, embarrassment …. If he could only look away but it seemed as though his eyes had a mind of their own, fixed upon Lily's.

But before he could deliberate any further, she wrapped her arms around Severus' neck and pulled him into a warm hug. He did not hesitate this time at her contact and curled his long arms around her waist and held her tightly, not wanting to let go.

'Good night, Sev.' She whispered and with that she leaned in towards him, pressed her cheek against his and gave him a swift kiss.

It was a pleasant feeling and would do for now.

_Good night Lily …_


End file.
